Sunday, April 1, 2012

Indestructible Mask Offers Complete Protection

Japanese sporting goods manufacturer Uoy Deloof has announced the development of a revolutionary umpire mask made of a space age material, Omnium Steel. According to spokesman Mitchell Tanner, Omnium is "a ferroalloy stronger than titanium though weaker than adamantium. Uoy Deloof metallurgists were able to develop a form of omnium which possesses elastic ductility while retaining high durability."

Tanner states that the new Omnium mask will absorb the impact of a baseball by distorting the mask frame. The energy is then reapplied to the baseball and away from the umpire's head. "The baseball reacts like it has hit a brick wall, but the umpire doesn't feel a thing," Tanner says. After impact the mask frame is restored to its original shape. Ouy Deloof is offering a lifetime warranty on this mask.

Unfortunately, a U.S. release date for the Ominum Umpire Mask has not been established. The company is in a class action lawsuit in Japan over injuries sustained when baseballs ricocheted off the Omnium Umpire Mask. Plaintiffs in the lawsuit include six batters, three catchers, one pitcher, and a third base coach. During one recent Central League game, a foul ball rebounded off the Omnium mask and the players mistakenly played it for a sacrifice fly. Japanese baseball officials have called the Omnium Umpire Mask a "menace to Japanese baseball."

Stay tuned for more on this story as it develops.


Tanner said...

April Fools?

Anonymous said...

the only thing i would buy japanese is a honda toyota or nissan car and maybe a weekend package with a gisha girl...:P

Anonymous said...

I'm embarrassed to admit that you had me up until "sacrifice fly". Good one.

Pete Reiser said...

Uoy Deloof = fooleD yoU

Arik said...

Was trying to figure out what the name was. I knew it was a joke. Honestly though... best part was the bit about the lawsuits. Very well done Pete.